When old friends meet, after many years apart, they often begin their sentences with, “Remember when . . .?” They are reminiscing; which the dictionary defines as “indulging in enjoyable recollection of past events.” It is a wonderful experience as the two friends relive both exciting and difficult moments from the past. They are practicing what psychologists call “self-distancing.” This means they are able to look back on their younger selves without experiencing all the emotion or drama of the moment. It enables them to become more objective observers. Quite often, they now see those events with different eyes and what was once a subject of paramount importance does not now seem quite as earthshaking. Often, they are able to laugh at their own immaturity and bad decisions.
Ruminating, however, is very different and is one of the defining characteristics of depression or anxiety. For many, it feels like the mind has been captured by an iron grip of self-defeating, hopeless, and helpless thinking. Such words as: brooding, moping, and sulking are synonyms. Instead of distancing oneself from the past event, the ruminating person feels the pain over and over again. The end result is: anger and resentment (when I blame others) or self-loathing and shame (when I blame myself.)
What is true with individuals is equally so with couples. They often come into the counseling office angry about the past. The iron grip of rumination now dominates every interaction, leaving both with deep resentments and an unwillingness or inability to see the other person’s point of view. They often feel hopeless.
Something Different Needs to Happen
In the Gottman approach to couples’ counseling, we often use a method for processing past hurts known as The Aftermath of a Fight or Regrettable Incident. It consist of five steps and depends upon the ability of the couple to distance themselves from the hurtful situation. It is a great way to look at an old problem with fresh eyes.
Step One: Feelings:
Share how you felt. Do not say why you felt that way. Avoid commenting on your partner’s feelings. By doing this, each person must take a step back and think about the emotions they had. When we feel the emotion, we are in its grip. When we think about the emotion, we have already created some distance and some relief which paves the way for understanding.
Step Two: Realities:
Describe your “reality.” Take turns. Summarize and validate at least part of your partner’s reality. A common mistake at this point is to start blaming the other person or attempting to persuade them that, “I’m right and you’re wrong.” Try to think of yourself as a reporter, simply stating the facts as you see them. Validating at least part of your partner’s reality is a search for common ground. “Is there anything you have said that I can agree with?”
Step Three: Triggers:
Share what experiences or memories you’ve had that might have escalated the interaction, and the stories of why these are triggers for each of you. This step can be a wonderfully healing experience as one person explains to another why this upset them so much.
Step Four: Take Responsibility:
When I acknowledge my own role in contributing to the fight or regrettable incident, it helps to tear down the walls between us and gives both people hope that there is, indeed, a way forward.
Step Five: Constructive Plans:
This is my favorite step. Plan some way that each of us can make it better next time. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we did not have to have this argument again? Now we are moving toward actually solving the problem and creating some sense of resolution. Every argument can be a learning process about myself and my partner.
This type of exercise can be great preparation to change the mood or atmosphere of a relationship from ruminating to reminiscing.