“I Love You, But I’m Not In Love With You”

As a couples’ counselor, a statement I hear quite often from people struggling in their relationships is, “I love you but I’m not in love with you.” It’s usually prefaced by, “I feel like we are more roommates than lovers,” or “the passion and excitement has evaporated.” My response is to ask for clarification. “What exactly do you mean by that statement?”

Next comes a litany of complaints, such as: “sex has become boring, he or she is always in a bad mood, I don’t think my spouse likes me anymore, everything they do irritates me,” and “I feel lonely.”

What is love anyway?

Many people think love is just one thing that should never change. Twenty years later, I should still feel the way I felt on our wedding day. I hate to burst your bubble, but it just doesn’t work that way. The infatuation or honeymoon stage could also be described as “limerence.” This term was first coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her 1979 book, Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. This is a phenomenon that has been well studied and is characterized by excitement, intrusive thinking, obsession, fantasy, sexual excitement, and the fear of rejection. This limerence stage normally lasts about 18 months; for some couples it may be shorter or longer depending on many other factors.

The Hormone Connection

In her book, The Alchemy of Love and Lust, Dr. Theresa Crenshaw explains, in laymen’s terms, how hormones operate in our bodies and change over a person’s lifetime. She begins her book with a short story of a young couple who had a wonderfully exciting sex life until the birth of their first child. Suddenly, the wife lost all interest in sex and rebuffed her husband’s advances. He was understanding in the beginning and attributed the change to fatigue. However, as a few weeks stretched into a few months, he began to grow resentful and jealous of the baby. The wife felt he was being immature and selfish; arguments became heated. Open hostility replaced love and affection and the couple began talking about divorce. After fruitless attempts to get help, someone referred them to Dr. Crenshaw and she saw immediately the origin of the problem: breastfeeding! “A nursing mother produces unusually high levels of prolactin, the chief chemical in charge of milk production.” A “severely reduced sex drive” is the natural result. Once the couple understood this, they were able to make adjustments, avert a disastrous divorce and eventually regained a healthy sex life.

Two human beings living together as husband and wife exert an enormous influence on each other. It’s like a chemical reaction: I’m grouchy and irritable so my wife keeps her distance. In response to her lack of interest, I stay up late playing video games. Meanwhile, she is talking to friends on Facebook. Weeks go by with little affection, no sex, arguments erupt and a downward spiral begins.

Individual struggles in my spouse.

If you have been married for any length of time you will learn to appreciate the phrase in the wedding vows, “in sickness and in health…” Unfortunately, we only think of this in terms of physical sickness like cancer or the flu; you know, real sickness! Things like alcoholism, depression, OCD quirks or panic attacks – that’s not a real sickness. I beg to differ. Just as the human body can get sick, so can the mind. The real question is: Where do we go from here? Is this illness something we can face together or is this a deal-breaker? There are no easy answers to that question. So much depends on the attitude of the afflicted spouse. Just because a person struggles with alcoholism or a gambling addiction does not mean an automatic divorce. On the contrary, the very experience of working through mental health issues can be a life changing experience that deepens the emotional connection between spouses. When I worked in the psych hospital, I was often moved to tears at the heartfelt love between one who was mentally healthy and one who was very mentally unhealthy. I came away quite humbled with a much deeper appreciation of those words, “in sickness and in health.” 

Individual struggles in me.

A woman I counseled came in very depressed, unable to sleep, and pessimistic about the future. She also complained that her husband was distant, rude, and always in a bad mood. She was a stay at home mom and would feel such anxiety at the thought of him coming home that she had begun drinking more near the end of the day while cooking supper. We worked together for several weeks on her depression. She stopped drinking, got some meds from her psychiatrist, and did the homework I gave her for changing her thoughts and behaviors. Near the end of our time together, she said, “I’ve really noticed lately that my husband is more like his old self. He’s in a better mood and we are laughing together again. I actually look forward to seeing him at the end of the day!” I think two things happened in this case.

First came the individual change. Depression has a way of distorting perceptions. The future looks dark and I begin to doubt myself and find someone else to blame. Unfortunately, that person is often my spouse. For this woman, the powerful emotions of quiet despair and desperation were projected onto her husband. As the depression began to loosen its grip, she was able to be calm, optimistic, and give her husband the benefit of the doubt.

Second came the relationship change. Her moodiness causes him to become guarded and distant. Driving home from work, thoughts fill his mind such as, “I can’t take another night like last night. I’ll just stay out of her way and leave her alone.” His pulse quickens as he reaches for the door and a heavy sigh escapes him as he opens it. Tension fills the air and arguments erupt. Then, one evening he comes home and his wife is actually cheerful. She apologizes for the last several weeks. The downward spiral has stopped and the virtuous cycle begun.

Life is complicated and love is an ever-changing experience. That feeling of; “I love you, but I’m not in love with you,” can change. For people who are willing to keep learning and growing, these low moments can be transformative.