Forgive and Forget? Not a Chance!

Life is full of hurtful experiences, disappointments, and betrayals. People let us down, friends desert us, dreams go unfulfilled, and life gets boring. Welcome to planet earth! As we grow up we all encounter these difficulties and learn to more or less accept them. What we don’t expect, however, is that some of the deepest hurts may come from our spouse.

When a couple comes to the counseling office, each one normally has a list of grievances that they want someone, namely me, to hear. They are anxious to convince me how deeply they have been hurt. Many of the stories are tragic and sad, and I can’t help but feel bad for them and hope that somehow our time together can bring some healing.

I don’t normally talk about forgiveness in the beginning because I don’t want to give the impression that I am dismissing their pain. However, deep inside each individual is the knowledge that this is ultimately the only way they can ever move forward.

In his book, The Great Divorce, C.S. Lewis imagines a bus load of people arriving at the outskirts of heaven. As they get off the bus and begin to make their way towards Deep Heaven, they are each presented with challenges and decisions which involve letting go of their attachments in their previous life such as: their favorite sins, anger, bitterness, and hurts from the past. Many of them are unable to do this and are then refused entrance. The message is clear: the gates of hell are locked from the inside. When we refuse to forgive, we keep ourselves prisoners to the past, forever doomed to wander in the nether regions of Limbo or Hell.

Bitterness paralyzes us and prevents us from growing or moving forward. This is not an easy journey. In many ways, it is similar to the grief process of shock, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. In fact, that is good model to help chart our way into Deep Heaven.

Shock / Denial

The death of someone close to us can leave us feeling numb and surprised, even after a long illness. “I still can’t believe he is really gone.” or “I fully expect her to come walking into the room any minute.”

In a similar way, after the discovery of an affair or the realization I have been lied to, there is a feeling of unreality. Along with that comes a sense of disorientation, “I don’t even know who you are anymore.”

Anger

After the initial disclosure or discovery, anger is a normal and understandable reaction. I know a wife who contracted an STD from her husband. While she experienced a smorgasbord of emotions, anger colored everything. It is a defensive emotion designed to help us be and feel safe.

Bargaining

“If only we had taken mom to the hospital sooner, or switched doctors, maybe she would still be alive.” “I should have known my husband was cheating on me.” “If only I had gotten all the alcohol out of the house, I could have prevented her relapse.” People can get trapped in this stage for years or forever. One of the reasons is they fear the next stage more than any other.

Depression

The purpose of depression is to help us see and accept reality. This is where the grief and unforgiveness is really processed. The challenge is twofold:

Do not minimize the hurt; “Well, it wasn’t really that bad.” or “Others have suffered much more than me.” This will only short circuit the process. In the death of a loved one grief is telling us, in the starkest of ways, that this person is gone and will never come back. In the struggle to find forgiveness, an oft prescribed remedy is to write a letter to the person who hurt you and say whatever you want. Pour into that letter your raw feelings of betrayal and outrage – then, burn it! This can be a good way to explore and identify your feelings without causing more harm to the other person.

Do not overstate the hurt; “No one has suffered like me.” “No one has had it this bad.” Those thoughts are not helpful because they are simply not true. They are the path of self-pity, which never did anyone any favors.

Acceptance

Gradually, like the melting of an icicle, the sadness and grief of depression begins to give way to acceptance and even gratitude. Empathy can often emerge at this point when I begin to see the one who hurt me as a broken human being, as we all are. I release them from my judgment, anger, and hatred. Empathy enables forgiveness.

Slowly, my focus shifts to the present instead of the past and I find myself appreciating the blessings in my life. Forgiveness unlocks the chain that ties me to the past and frees my mind to be thankful for what I have rather than resentful for what I do not have.

Now, this journey of forgiveness can be taken alone, without help from the one who hurt me. In fact, forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation. There are situations where future contact is not advisable. However, for couples who wish to heal their relationship, this forgiveness process can be greatly accelerated if the perpetrator of the hurt will do the following things.