An Angry Person is a Person in Pain
Anger is one of the most common of human emotions. It is a frequent response to pain, be it physical or emotional. Who hasn’t hit their finger with a hammer or stubbed a toe in the middle of the night walking through the house barefoot? Anger is then triggered immediately followed by throwing the hammer on the ground or kicking over the offending furniture.
In the same way, unpleasant or painful emotions also feel like an attack. Shame, for example, is extremely painful and often provokes the greatest anger. Being bullied by others or exposure to public disgrace can light a terrible fire inside a person. Personal rejections such as a spouse having an affair or going through a divorce against one’s will can provoke dreadful rage.
As a therapist, I have worked with many men who come to me with anger issues. Often they are sent by their wives. They often report feeling frustrated, misunderstood, and trapped. As the litany of complaints pour forth I can often see the angry energy begin to dissipate. Sometimes the humor of the situation gets the best of both of us and we find ourselves laughing. In the process, the angry person discovers that “talking it out” has great therapeutic value. It’s like that kettle of water on the stove. If there is no release valve, it will eventually explode. People are the same way. Holding the anger in as long as possible is not a good strategy because, well, you know what is about to happen.
In the table below I compare anger to fire. We can even hear this in some of our most common idioms: he burned with anger or it made my blood boil or I just had to blow off steam. Anger is sometimes compared to thunder and we warn others not to add fuel to the fire. It takes three things to make a fire: heat, oxygen, and fuel. If one of those elements is taken away, the fire goes out. It is the same with anger. We could compare it this way:
Heat = Offenses
Oxygen = Perspective
Fuel = Grudges
Below I include a description of each element along with practical actions to help prevent the anger from getting out of control.
| Fire | Anger |
| Heat | Offense creates the heat for anger.
These are the hurtful experiences in life. They attack us in two primary areas: shame and fear. Rude people, shame over failure, embarrassments, and lack of respect from family and friends. Fear from loss of power, anger at my own weakness and neediness. A common reason for anger is the inability to do what I want to do. The feeling is: “It’s not fair!” or “I’m trapped!” |
| Practical Actions | 1. Boundaries – spend time with people who are uplifting, supportive, and mature.
2. Learn to talk about your feelings with a trusted friend, counselor, or mentor. Venting in a safe way to a safe person will prevent the unpredictable explosion. |
| Oxygen | Lack of Perspective provides the oxygen for anger.
Children become angry easily because their perspective is small. A five-year-old child wants the toy – now! Christmas is too far away. A fifty-year-old knows that Christmas will be here soon. One of the most helpful perspectives is this: Everything is temporary. (Life is too short to get upset about this.) A bigger perspective will smother the fire before it gets out of control. |
| Practical Actions | 1. Nurture my spiritual life through prayer, study, and worship. No one has a bigger perspective than God!
2. Volunteer experiences: help homeless people at a shelter, go on a mission trip to a third world country, or offer friendship to a lonely, elderly person. Experiences like this change us for the better. |
| Fuel | Grudges are the fuel.
Some of the forest fires in the Southwest and Rockies become extremely fierce because of the excess dead wood and debris that have built up over years. The point is simple: If you want better control over anger, get rid of the dead wood as quickly as possible. Be quick to apologize and forgive every day. |
| Practical Actions | 1. Develop empathy for others, especially for the people in your family. Listen to their pain, imagine what their life must be like.
2. Forgiveness is a decision and a process, not a feeling. It does not mean that what they did was right. Forgiveness brings freedom from the past. |
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